From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I imagined breastfeeding would come naturally. I pictured the quiet moments of bonding, the baby nestled against my chest, the calm rhythm of feeds. I imagined that golden hour and the days to follow would be effortless, that I would feel confident and connected, and that breastfeeding would be the beautiful glue of our new life. On day one in the hospital, it seemed like my vision was coming true. My son latched perfectly, and I felt proud, accomplished, and hopeful.
When Everything Changed
By day two, everything shifted. My son failed his glucose test; his levels were too low. The nurses told me it was likely because he wasn’t getting enough food. I tried pumping, but barely any colostrum came out. To protect him from going to the NICU, I had to give him formula. It was never part of my plan, but I promised myself it would be temporary.
By day four, his glucose had stabilized, and we were finally sent home. I continued to breastfeed while supplementing with formula. My milk came in quickly, but pumping yielded very little. At most about an ounce per breast. He still had an amazing latch and nursed about 15-20 minutes per side, every 2–3 hours, while I pumped in between to try to increase supply. Nothing seemed to work.
Trying Everything
I added supplements like sunflower lecithin and brewer’s yeast and ate plenty of calories and protein, even gaining weight, in hopes of increasing output. I tried power pumping and multiple pumping sessions, but I was stuck at a max of 1 ounce per breast. I wanted to start a freezer stash for going back to work, but every effort felt futile.
Around two weeks, I visited a lactation consultant. She was thrilled with my son’s latch and reassured me that I was making enough milk. Her words stuck: “Feed the baby, not the freezer.” I reduced my pumping and focused on breastfedding. I only kept a middle-of-the-night session, early morning, and a power pump before bed. In about two weeks, my supply improved to 2–3 ounces per breast.
By one month, my pediatrician was pleased with his weight gain.
When Feeding Became a Battle
Everything seemed good for a while, but my son soon became fussy at the breast. He would take a few suckles and then arch back screaming. With my husband back at work, I struggled alone to feed him, then pump to maintain supply. It was exhausting.
At his two-month appointment, his weight had dropped from the 84th percentile to the 30th. I felt helpless. The pediatrician recommended supplementing with formula immediately. He took to it, but he remained fussy and stopped pooping. Going from once or twice a day to nothing at all. He went seven days without a bowel movement and was only relieved with a suppository (per the pediatrician).
I blamed myself and fell into a deep postpartum depression. Research said this was normal at his age, but it didn’t stop the guilt.
Finding Solutions
We realized he was experiencing extreme reflux. We switched to a reflux-friendly formula and the pediatrician started him on famotidine. After two weeks, he began pooping every 3–5 days without intervention, and feeding became easier.
For more helpful strategies on managing baby reflux, see this post 👇
I continued to breastfeed every 2–3 hours, supplemented with formula as needed, and pumped when possible. My life revolved around the pump, milk storage, and timing; leaving the house for more than two hours was stressful. I was exhausted and mentally drained.
By this point, he remained around the 8th percentile. The pediatrician reassured me that this was normal; some babies level out from their birth percentile. She emphasized that my husband’s fast metabolism could be a factor and hugged me, sharing that she had struggled with breastfeeding herself and eventually formula-fed her child. This helped me feel less ashamed.
The Five-Month Setback
At around five months, my son hit the “everything is more exciting than eating” phase, wasting countless amounts of breastmilk as he refused to eat. I had to add more bottles to ensure he got enough intake. Around the same time, I caught a stomach bug. I couldn’t eat, feared passing it to him, and could only manage one pumping session. The next day my supply dropped, undoing weeks of progress.
Even though he was pooping every 1–2 days and I was only supplementing with occasional formula bottles, the stress of feeding and pumping was overwhelming. I also faced challenges with my weight-loss journey. Cutting calories tanked supply, and weight-loss medications like GLP-1s didn’t feel safe to use while breastfeeding. I know some doctors have said they’re safe while breastfeeding, but I couldn’t find enough data in any studies. Other oral options were proven unsafe. I realized my mental health and wellbeing had to take priority.
Making the Hard Decision
At six months, I had made the plan to stop breastfeeding, thinking it would free me from the constant pumping and stress. Yet I found myself still pumping three times daily and waking up overnight to nurse, clinging to those quiet moments even though they were exhausting. For weeks, I felt torn. Part of me wanted to continue, hoping for more bonding and the occasional peaceful feed, but most of the time it brought anxiety, guilt, and sheer exhaustion. Three weeks later, after many sleepless nights and mental battles, I finally made the decision to wean fully, recognizing that my wellbeing and mental health needed to come first.
Relief and Reflection
Now, at almost seven months, my son is thriving. He eats around 26 ounces per day, enjoys exploring solids, and has bounced up to the 15th percentile. My mental health has improved dramatically; I no longer feel trapped or defined by the pump. I finally feel like myself again. Less stressed, less anxious, and more present for my baby. I can leave the house without panic, plan activities, and focus on my own health and wellness alongside my baby’s needs.
I still have a small freezer stash, which allows me to sprinkle in breastmilk here and there, but I’m no longer chained to a schedule or a pump. I can prioritize moments of calm, connection, and joy with my son over stress and worry. I feel proud, accomplished, and reassured that my choices, though not what I initially planned, were right for both of us.
Lessons Learned
Breastfeeding is not always how you imagine it, and that’s okay.
Formula is not failure. It nourishes, supports, and protects your baby.
Mental health is paramount. A happy mom = a happy baby.
Percentiles are just numbers; trends matter more than single points.
Pumps are tools, not measures of worth.
Feed the baby, not the freezer.
To Any Mama Struggling
If you’re in the thick of it, know that you are not alone. It’s okay to cry in the bathroom, feel overwhelmed, combo-feed, supplement, or fully formula-feed if you need to. Every baby is different, and your love and care are what truly matter most. You are doing the best you can, and that is more than enough. If you feel comfortable, I invite fellow moms to share their experiences and journeys in the comments. Your story might be the support or reassurance someone else needs today. This community is for us to lift each other up, celebrate victories, and navigate the struggles together.
P.S. Pumping Essentials
Through this journey, I discovered a few pumping essentials that made a big difference in my routine and comfort. I’ve included affiliate links to the products I found helpful, but there’s absolutely no pressure to buy. I just want to share what worked for me in case it can help you too. These items supported my supply, efficiency, and sanity while pumping and made the process a little more manageable. You can find them here
Leave a Reply